Happy Holidays?

I know it has been a long time since I have written.  The past couple of months have been very busy, and honestly, getting more and more difficult as we get closer to Christmas.  I never think that this time of year is going to affect me as much as it does.  Of course I think about Julia, I always think about Julia.  But at Christmastime the "what ifs" are especially bad for me.  I wonder what it would have been like if I had all 3 of my children here to anxiously await Santa's arrival, baking him some cookies and leaving a tall glass of milk on the coffee table on Christmas Eve.  I wonder what it would be like to have 6 little feet padding down the stairs on Christmas morning, followed by squeals of excitement and wrapping paper flying everywhere.  Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love Christmas with my 2 remaining children.  I set a limit each year of how many gifts they will get, but I can never stick with it...it is just too much fun watching their excited little faces as they unwrap everything.  They are 5 this year, that perfect age of innocence and wonder.  This time of year is still so full of magic for them.  My heart swells with love for these 2 little people, they mean the world to me, but something will always be missing.  Ever since I lost Julia, Christmas just hasn't felt the same.  I have to almost force myself to bring out the decorations and just have a festive feeling in general, but I do it for Noah and Lauren.

Earlier this year I finally faced my depression reality and decided to go to a doctor about it.  She thought it was too long past my loss to still be feeling as bad as I did so she prescribed me an antidepressant.  I hated the fact that I had to take medicine to feel better, that I couldn't just do it on my own, but over time they started working and I was actually feeling better!  But then last August I lost my last remaining grandparent, my Nanny.  I miss all of my grandparents terribly, but for whatever reason her death has hit me the hardest.  I don't know if it is because she was the last one, or the fact that I actually got the rare chance to say goodbye to her just a few days before she passed (the only one of my grandparents I actually got to do that), or that she is the first loss I have had since I started my actual grieving of Julia.  Probably a little of all of that.  Regardless, it hit me hard.  I felt like since starting the antidepressants I was finally climbing up the hill out of the depths of my depression, but then Nanny died and I seemed to fall down.  I didn't tumble back down that hill, but I sure fell flat on my face, and it took me quite a long time to seem to get up again and start moving forward.  Unfortunately I haven't made it back to where I was before that happened.

I am hopeful that once the holidays have passed things will get a little better.  Maybe by next year I will have made it a little farther up the hill and grieved a little more, so, unlike right now, it won't feel like I am forcing my Christmasy mood.