Happy Holidays?

I know it has been a long time since I have written.  The past couple of months have been very busy, and honestly, getting more and more difficult as we get closer to Christmas.  I never think that this time of year is going to affect me as much as it does.  Of course I think about Julia, I always think about Julia.  But at Christmastime the "what ifs" are especially bad for me.  I wonder what it would have been like if I had all 3 of my children here to anxiously await Santa's arrival, baking him some cookies and leaving a tall glass of milk on the coffee table on Christmas Eve.  I wonder what it would be like to have 6 little feet padding down the stairs on Christmas morning, followed by squeals of excitement and wrapping paper flying everywhere.  Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love Christmas with my 2 remaining children.  I set a limit each year of how many gifts they will get, but I can never stick with it...it is just too much fun watching their excited little faces as they unwrap everything.  They are 5 this year, that perfect age of innocence and wonder.  This time of year is still so full of magic for them.  My heart swells with love for these 2 little people, they mean the world to me, but something will always be missing.  Ever since I lost Julia, Christmas just hasn't felt the same.  I have to almost force myself to bring out the decorations and just have a festive feeling in general, but I do it for Noah and Lauren.

Earlier this year I finally faced my depression reality and decided to go to a doctor about it.  She thought it was too long past my loss to still be feeling as bad as I did so she prescribed me an antidepressant.  I hated the fact that I had to take medicine to feel better, that I couldn't just do it on my own, but over time they started working and I was actually feeling better!  But then last August I lost my last remaining grandparent, my Nanny.  I miss all of my grandparents terribly, but for whatever reason her death has hit me the hardest.  I don't know if it is because she was the last one, or the fact that I actually got the rare chance to say goodbye to her just a few days before she passed (the only one of my grandparents I actually got to do that), or that she is the first loss I have had since I started my actual grieving of Julia.  Probably a little of all of that.  Regardless, it hit me hard.  I felt like since starting the antidepressants I was finally climbing up the hill out of the depths of my depression, but then Nanny died and I seemed to fall down.  I didn't tumble back down that hill, but I sure fell flat on my face, and it took me quite a long time to seem to get up again and start moving forward.  Unfortunately I haven't made it back to where I was before that happened.

I am hopeful that once the holidays have passed things will get a little better.  Maybe by next year I will have made it a little farther up the hill and grieved a little more, so, unlike right now, it won't feel like I am forcing my Christmasy mood.  

      

Some Quotes That Touch My Heart

I held you when you took your last breath, I will hold you again when I take mine. -Unknown

No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you.  After all, you are the only ones who know what my heart sounds like from the inside. -Unknown

I never know it was possible to be in so much pain and still be alive.  But alive I am, and survive I will, if for no other reason to be a testimony of my love for Julia and to make her proud. -Elizabeth Wheeldon from Lost for Words by Carly Marie Dudley (changed name to Julia)

All endings are also beginnings.  We just don't know it at the time. -Mitch Albom

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. -Carl Bard

And one more that I wrote down myself and look at every single day, just to give myself a little bit of hope...There IS light at the end of this tunnel!

Julia Grace

Her name was Julia Grace Fisher.  She was born at Mercy St. Vincent Medical Center on June 29, 2007 at 4:09 a.m., weighed 1 pound 6 ounces, and was 13 inches long.  She had 10 tiny fingers, 10 tiny toes, and just a little bit of dark brown hair.  I got to hold her for a few hours on June 30, 2007, and then she passed from this world into Heaven at 8:53 p.m.  After it was announced that she had passed a single firework went off somewhere outside of the hospital, which I believe was her way of letting us know that she had made it into God's arms safely.  I miss her so much everyday.  Five years later and I still have so many emotions I am dealing with, and so much farther to go until I may feel just a sliver of normalcy to my life again.  The story of my journey from pregnancy to loss spans quite a few years, so I will save that for another time.   

Trying to get going

Boy, this is hard.  I have been staring at this blog for quite a while now trying to get started on my story.  The problem is there is just so much to write.  My journey begins nearly 8 years ago, from miscarriage, to infertility, to pregnancy, to loss, and then my life afterwards.  I think I am just scared to actually get going  because it means reliving all that I have been through.  It has taken me so long to start healing, that to willingly and purposefully start writing is terrifying.  But, that is why I started this blog.  I want to share my story with you and hopefully heal my heart even more, and maybe even provide some healing to someone else who may have similar experiences.  So be patient.  I am trying my hardest to get over my fear and just type.  Soon...

Starting out

So, I think I have everything set up the way I want for this blog.  I am so excited to be starting this blog/journal in the hopes that it will help me in my grief journey, and possibly even help someone else who may be going through something similar.

<3 Casey